It has been 19 days since I left the PCT.
When I first got back to Seattle I was excited to see my friends, move into my new apartment, and get back to my comfortable routine. At the same time I was anxious about having to answer everyone's questions. Why did I leave the trail? Am I that sick? I felt confident about that I made the right decision for myself, but I was having a difficult time verbalizing my feelings in a way that satisfied other people's curiosity. I knew that I was still processing the experience and I found myself experiencing shame in a way that I didn't expect.
I started having nightmares every night about leaving the trail. One night I dreamed that my ex-boyfriend angrily blocked the trail in front of me and I couldn't get around him. Another night that my father berated me for no apparent reason and dropped me off in the middle of the desert, miles from the nearest trail head. The following week the setting of the dreams changed, but the feelings they contained did not. I dreamed that I was fired from my job and I dreamed that I ate my friend's toddler and was too ashamed to tell her that it was me. I find it interesting how the feeling of shame has arisen in my subconscious even though I consciously know that I have nothing to be ashamed about.
After seeing a doctor in Ashland and having several stool tests, I still have no clear answer about the physical symptoms that I was, and still am, experiencing. The doctor suggested that I could have treated the giardia successfully in Seiad Valley and my that body is still recovering, made more difficult by the fact that I continued hiking. The doctor also suggested that I could have an illness that wasn't found on the specific tests he ran or that the tests returned a false-negative. I've scheduled a follow-up with my naturopath here in Seattle, but at this point I'm not expecting that she'll find anything conclusive. Maybe she'll recommend an expensive and out-of-pocket panel that will show an overabundance of some bacteria in my gut. Who knows.
Besides what I've already mentioned, the only update I can give is that reintegration into city life has been difficult and my feelings about leaving the PCT are complicated. I feel healthy even though my bowels do not and I'm doing my best to recognize and release any shame that I'm feeling about not finishing the PCT. I'm looking forward to never having to eat a Snickers again and I'm excited to provide trail magic for some of my hiker friends as they pass through Washington State.
Thank you all for following me on this journey.
Until next time,
GlitteRob
Congratulations on your amazing accomplishment! I've been following your blog and love reading it. You should be very proud of your journey. I hope that you make a full recovery.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I live in Maple Valley and do some trail magic about 35 miles before Snoqualmie Pass. Maybe we'll see you in the mountains :)
Shelene
What you said about feeling shame about leaving the trail totally resonated with me. OMG those nightmares are so crazy/ real. It sure it complicated when you leave the trail. Crazy how many emotions you can feel at once. Thanks for keeping it real and telling it like it is. -Hemlock
ReplyDeleteGlitter - Having lived in Seattle for 20 years, there are plenty of health providers from not so good to best in country. My best luck after trial and error was the Internal Medicine department at the University of Washington on Roosevelt. Top notch staff. If you can get him Dr Chris Knight is a rocket scientist of medicine.
ReplyDeleteOh Rob, you are so amazing. I'm incredibly proud of you for hiking all of California, a fantastic feat. I think though, that I'm even more proud of you for listening to your body and responding to its needs. I wish I could take that toddler-eating shame away. I completely understand the feeling, but I hope you can soon trust yourself that you did the right thing for you, and that is the most important accomplishment. Wishing you some peace of mind and always self-love. No, not that kind.
ReplyDeleteFine, whatever kind you want.
Congrats on Mexico to Ashland. You should feel proud of that amazing journey....Did your doctor check for Lyme disease?
ReplyDeleteI got food poisoning on the trail, Campylobacter to be specific. My guts haven't been the same since! I guess there is such a thing as Post Infectious Irritable Bowel Syndrome. It sucks; probiotics seem to help. I hope you feel better. I understand your feelings of shame after leaving the trail. I bailed at 800 miles and while I'm content with my decision and learned a lot, I still have a hard time telling people I didn't finish. I think that's just ego messing with us.
ReplyDeleteI am very interested to know how your gut has recovered.
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ReplyDelete