I swear I have the worst memory of anyone I know.
I'm anxious about the PCT. I'm not worried about gear or weather or bears or food or anything like that, but I am worried about my feet. I've been having some really bad tendonitis in my right foot that kicks in after 6-10 miles and, if I continue to use it despite the pain, it can last up to three days even with rest. I've been going to physical therapy for months, stretching daily, and trying to walk as much as I can without aggravating the tendons on the top of my foot. It still hurts. I'm planning on starting the PCT in 3 weeks and I can barely walk 6 miles.
I'm having a hard time focusing on anything but my foot. I feel afraid that I won't be able to finish the PCT, anxious about what I'll do for the next 6 months if I can't hike, ashamed that I didn't do more to train and stretch, and regretful that I didn't go to a podiatrist in addition to my physical therapist.
After starting to write this pitiful post I remembered that I had achilles pain on the SHT last year. Remember what I said about my memory? Flipping back to one of those posts in particular (day 2 of 16 on the SHT) I wrote, "at this point I was getting pretty upset. I was disappointed that my foot still hurt despite the physical therapy and 3-times-a-day stretching. I was frustrated that my pack was so heavy and I had underestimated the amount of steep ascents created by the many rivers in the area. I was also worried that if I could barely make it 10 miles on the first day, how could I expect myself to hike 20+ miles a day for the next 15?"
So almost 6 months ago to the day I was afraid of failing at a different hike. Did I end up turning around on the SHT? Nope. Did I finish the trail? Yep.
What helped me in Minnesota was meditation and non-judgmental awareness of my body. When I was able to let go of the fears and judgements I had about the pain, like thinking it would last forever or only get worse, I was able to work through it moment by moment. I can't listen to what my body is telling me when I'm wrapped up in my thoughts. I may not be able to fix the physical pain in this moment, but there is no need to add mental anguish to it.
My plan is to let go of ideas about what I would do if I can't finish the PCT and focus on right now. Right now I'm going to continue stretching constantly, respect my bodies limits and give it adequate rest, make an appointment to go back to the physical therapist next week, and RELAX.
Only 6 more days of work!
This is exactly what mediation was about last night! Detach yourself from the knowing that the sensation you are feeling is "pain." We know pain as negative, but it's just a sensation and the story you spin based on knowing is what continues your negative mental anguish.
ReplyDeletehttp://caphillmeditationgroup.wordpress.com/2014/03/08/springtime-journey-into-the-ten-fetters/
Tuere says this realization equates to your efforts attempting to exit the mud and muck on the shore and move into the current of awareness. xo
Dear Rob, If I was just a bit younger, I may have joined you for a portion of your journey. The difficult days of walking the camino de Santiago have faded from my memory and only the beauty and simplicity remain. I look forward to following you along the trail. Remember, the PCT will provide.
ReplyDeleteEasy there. That's pain and its flare-ups bring all those signals that can cloud your senses and fog your way. I think it's best for you to take the next step forward, and really focus on treatment and healing. Take care!
ReplyDeleteEmmett Fletcher @ CK Physiotherapy